So, what do I say to you Lord? Do I pray for health, love, prosperity? What else can I ask for that I do not already have? I have your love and the consolation that one day I will see you face to face.
The only thing I can pray for is that I can love you in the way that you desire. For if I love you as you desire, then I already have everything I need. For what good is this life if we cannot love, if we cannot see you in the faces of all those who we come in contact with?
It is so hard sometimes to love. It is a frustrating thing not to be able to feel love for another especially when that one makes your heart anxious or fearful or sad or lonely. I say that I will keep on trying to be a loving person, yet I only succeed in not loving or being kind.
I remember during the homily at my uncle’s funeral the priest was saying that we all are called and should try to follow in Christ’s footsteps. What my ears heard was “fumble” in Christ’s footsteps. I thought about it and realized that “fumble” is really what I do and that it is OK to fumble and fall. Didn’t Jesus do as much under the weight of the cross? But, he got up and went on. That is the lesson. Not so much to fumble, but the grace to get up and keep on going. Can I get back up and keep on going? No, not unless I ask for the grace to do it. In the garden, Jesus prayed not to have to keep going, but he prayed that the Father would grant him the grace to do his will, not his own will. That is what I pray for, to do the will of God in my life.
I really don’t want to pray for anything else but the grace to live in t he love of Jesus. I figure, Jesus knows better than any what it is I need. He won’t abandon me and leave me without what I need in this life. How can I ask for anything more that that? My only desire is his desire.
I am ashamed that I continually fall so short on my side. I must say with Paul, “Why is it that I do the things I hate and I don’t do the things I love?” It’s a mystery to me. Why it that my heart won’t do what my head knows is right and just? Yet, I will keep going for “to whom shall I go? You have the words of everlasting life!”
I often chide myself thinking, “just who do you think you are anyway? A saint? Can you really think that all you need to do is ask for the grace to live in abandonment to God’s will? You keep doing things that aren’t loving or Christian. And if you should tell someone about this desire, they would think you are crazy.” But, then I realized that these thoughts are not of God. Why would God, who loves me say those things? Is not his desire that all of his children live in abandonment to his will?
What a tangled web we weave. . .in our own minds!
I found this piece of writing yesterday while cleaning out a room that has accumulated so much “stuff”. When I saw this I thought, “Did I write this?” Yes I did because I remember my uncle’s funeral and the priest who said we must try to follow in Christ’s footsteps.
It is really awesome to look back on things that have been written so long ago. I enjoyed reading it again, I hope you enjoying reading it for the first time.
Written – May 17th, 1989
Sandy Ozanich (c) ~ August 27, 2014