Sometimes I wake up and think, geez, what’s the point really? I don’t have anything scheduled, I’m tired and my mood??? Forget it.
Being clinically depressed is a disease I have lived with for many years. Depression is something that is still talked about quietly because people who are depressed are afraid that they will be stigmatized or passed over for a job or promotion. Who wants to be known as “nuts”? Not me!
So many professionals and celebrities have come out over the last few years to de-mystify depression. I am grateful for them; I hope more people will acknowledge that they are grateful too!
On days when I am really in the “pits” I don’t even want to get out of bed, let alone work, or clean or do anything at all. The feeling is that it’s just not worth it. I have stayed in bed until 4 or 5 in the afternoon at times. Why bother, no one will notice anyway? I have to say that it still happens from time to time, but not nearly as frequently as before thanks to a wonderful therapist and medication. Without them, I could fall into that deep, dark hole again – and who knows if I will make it out again.
About 3 years ago I was so depressed I felt that if I didn’t wake up, it was ok with me. I had had enough, didn’t care, and didn’t want to do anything. I love my husband, my children and grandchildren, my Church, I love my choir, I love my friends; but even that was not enough to shake me out of this “slogging, thick, blackness I felt. None of the things that used to bring me joy brought me any kind of feeling other than nothingness.
If any of this sounds familiar, I would first tell you to get in touch with a professional. Depression is not something to fool around with. Believe it or not, chronic depression is one of the leading causes of death.
I also learned that depression is genetic. That explains why my mother was so depressed all the time and why my son may also be clinically depressed.
I am a happy woman today and someone who recognizes the signals and knows how to deal with them. If you are depressed, do yourself a favor and see a therapist. And listen to this; you don’t have to accept the first therapist you see. For goodness sake, find a therapist who you can feel comfortable and safe with. You must have a good rapport with your therapist in order to be able to tell him or her your deepest feelings without feeling threatened, unsafe or just not compatible personality-wise.
Do this for yourself, not for anyone else! When you do it for you a whole new world will open up and will be able to live your life, not react to your life.
May the hand of God caress you in love, joy and strength for the journey!
Sandy Ozanich ~ © 2012